Tuesday, 20 March 2007

Ned Ludd lives!!!

Jesus fucking Christ... I have to write a compiled HTML help file for Microsoft SQL Server 2005 (among other things), the deadline's this Friday's afternoon and I've got a long way to go yet. Why the hell do I have to write documentation for a program someone else wrote? And why can't I plagiarize the stuff that's already written? I hope I won't have to see a Microsoft database or a projector for a really long time, or I might go berserk.

Projectors are THE tools of neuron destruction, I tell you. Even more than booze. When I was little, in class the teacher would teach a proper class. Nowadays you get PDF or those damn Powerpoint files with some dumbass reading them aloud (like I couldn't read them faster than them), the classroom darkened, while you drift into sleep, only to awaken when your head hits the keyboard. Some of these classes are worse than watching the Dungeons & Dragons movie (the one where gold and red dragons are stupid non-sentient reptiles who spit flaming fur balls and the final dragon battle is a rip-off of Star Wars).

And the dudes who wrote MSSQL Server 2005... let's say that they're a bunch of motherfucking sons of bitches. I haven't seen another database server whose service crashes while detaching a database... and then refuses to re-attach it. Bastards.

Monday, 12 March 2007

Twenty-twoooo... the avenueeeee...

Holy shit, I've been trying to go out with Charlotte the Harlot and I didn't figure it out until yesterday! Serves me right for being too patient... it should have been obvious when she turned Saturday night into a watered-down version of After Hours (actually, I'm partly to blame for that, because her handbag was stolen right under my nose, but I guess it would have been like that if it was someone else instead of me).

Damn it, I should be directing porn movies instead of complaining about someone else's slutty behaviour. Not that it's my favourite genre of movies (though I watch it regularly... thank DARPA for the Internet! And let's not forget Tim Berners-Lee! I wouldn't be able to see so much porn if he hadn't invented HTML and the Hypertext Transfer Protocol!), but if a movie producer read a script written by me he wouldn't let me direct anything but smut. And I've got a lot of good ideas!

For example, my latest craze is about mixing the peplum (Roman Empire-themed movies) and jigaideki (Edo era-themed samurai movies), which might result in, well, The Seven Centurions and A Better Ides of March (this last one's a parody of a John Woo movie, though), with characters such as Decimus Primus Hasegawa, Marcus Tullius Takeda or Iulius Augustus Nobunaga, people with togae and a daisho (that's a set made of a katana and a wakizashi -a japanese short sword-) and samurais (clad in samurai armor) armed with a pilum, a gladius and a square shield (in turtle formation!). The goths and other foreigners would be "foreign devils" instead of "barbarians". And the apparition of a galley or quinquereme called Yamato would be mandatory! Centurions with freaking lasers on their helmets!!!

I've been discussing this topic over IM with a friend of mine (Ryoru, the guest writer for this blog, if he ever decides to write something here, which I suppose he'll eventually do) and he came up with some great ideas, such as japanese-style gladius duels in the Arena (that is, both opponents stare at each other for a long time while preparing to draw their short swords out and everything is decided with a single slash), and a lot of ideas for a script which could be entitled The Ides of Kagemaru, but that's another story...

Three banzai for the Republic!