Monday, 9 July 2007

Manga for dumbasses!

This is a small rant (although the way I write rants, it won't be small by the time I am finished) about the latest manga series written specifically for dumbasses. There are many that fall in that category, but this one reeks like a stiff that has been in a bathtub for two weeks. I'm talking about Death Note. Hopefully, this will prevent someone from buying (or even reading) this piece of shit, which is on par with the Bible regarding the amount of bullshit in it.

Now, before anyone comes up with "don't talk about things you don't know", I have read Death Note (hey, I didn't have to pay for reading it, after all) and a large part of the Bible (which is a nice book if you take it as what it is: the kind of pulp fiction -rape, prostitution, drunken incest, slavery, treachery, bloodthirsty bastards and much more!- Machiavelli and Marquis de Sade would have written if they had lived in the 1960s).

The manga series begins nicely, with an apparently good premise: a megalomaniacal high school student (Raito Yagami) finds a notebook that allows to kill anyone whose name and face he knows by writing that person's name on the notebook, and decides that from that moment onwards he'll make sure justice will be served. After a few criminal-killing sprees, a top-notch detective known as "L" begins tracking him, and that's when everything turns into a pile of tripe.

Eventually "L" figures out who's the killer (via reasonings he pulls out of his ass, based on clues he pulls out of his ass) and ends up handcuffed 24/7 to Raito (because there are no proofs of him being the killer, and the modus operandi is still unknown). "L" reasons that there's a 97% (or something like that) chance that Raito is not the killer, but since it's not 100% he must monitor him around the clock (what the hell, he might believe in God, Santa Claus and the American Way of Life as well!).

The rest of the plot revolves around such astounding reasoning, and is sprinkled with plot twists like "Ha! I KNEW you'd do that, so I did this in advance, and I won't explain the specifics because the readers are a bunch of dumbasses and wouldn't understand anyway, so why bother...", and eventually (in the middle of the series) "L" gets killed by Raito thanks to the silliness of some other character, which is a good thing, because the way "L" sat, his back pains would have killed him eventually. Hey, maybe I gutted the goo... less bad part of the story, but I also saved you a lot of money and time. You're welcome.

After "L" dies, he is replaced by two emo kids whose names I can't remember, not that it matters. The plot twists and insults to the reader's intelligence increase manifold, and the stupidity of Raito's underlings becomes a major theme in the second half of the series. The most emo kid gets killed, and Raito's death follows shortly thereafter thanks to his most important puppet's stupidity. The end of the story is some weird and nonsensical scene about a cult dedicated to Raito's alias (Kira).

Man, if I had paid to read this, I might have paid to get fucked up the ass... if anyone who reads this ends up reading Death Note and complains, don't say I didn't warn.

Tuesday, 20 March 2007

Ned Ludd lives!!!

Jesus fucking Christ... I have to write a compiled HTML help file for Microsoft SQL Server 2005 (among other things), the deadline's this Friday's afternoon and I've got a long way to go yet. Why the hell do I have to write documentation for a program someone else wrote? And why can't I plagiarize the stuff that's already written? I hope I won't have to see a Microsoft database or a projector for a really long time, or I might go berserk.

Projectors are THE tools of neuron destruction, I tell you. Even more than booze. When I was little, in class the teacher would teach a proper class. Nowadays you get PDF or those damn Powerpoint files with some dumbass reading them aloud (like I couldn't read them faster than them), the classroom darkened, while you drift into sleep, only to awaken when your head hits the keyboard. Some of these classes are worse than watching the Dungeons & Dragons movie (the one where gold and red dragons are stupid non-sentient reptiles who spit flaming fur balls and the final dragon battle is a rip-off of Star Wars).

And the dudes who wrote MSSQL Server 2005... let's say that they're a bunch of motherfucking sons of bitches. I haven't seen another database server whose service crashes while detaching a database... and then refuses to re-attach it. Bastards.

Monday, 12 March 2007

Twenty-twoooo... the avenueeeee...

Holy shit, I've been trying to go out with Charlotte the Harlot and I didn't figure it out until yesterday! Serves me right for being too patient... it should have been obvious when she turned Saturday night into a watered-down version of After Hours (actually, I'm partly to blame for that, because her handbag was stolen right under my nose, but I guess it would have been like that if it was someone else instead of me).

Damn it, I should be directing porn movies instead of complaining about someone else's slutty behaviour. Not that it's my favourite genre of movies (though I watch it regularly... thank DARPA for the Internet! And let's not forget Tim Berners-Lee! I wouldn't be able to see so much porn if he hadn't invented HTML and the Hypertext Transfer Protocol!), but if a movie producer read a script written by me he wouldn't let me direct anything but smut. And I've got a lot of good ideas!

For example, my latest craze is about mixing the peplum (Roman Empire-themed movies) and jigaideki (Edo era-themed samurai movies), which might result in, well, The Seven Centurions and A Better Ides of March (this last one's a parody of a John Woo movie, though), with characters such as Decimus Primus Hasegawa, Marcus Tullius Takeda or Iulius Augustus Nobunaga, people with togae and a daisho (that's a set made of a katana and a wakizashi -a japanese short sword-) and samurais (clad in samurai armor) armed with a pilum, a gladius and a square shield (in turtle formation!). The goths and other foreigners would be "foreign devils" instead of "barbarians". And the apparition of a galley or quinquereme called Yamato would be mandatory! Centurions with freaking lasers on their helmets!!!

I've been discussing this topic over IM with a friend of mine (Ryoru, the guest writer for this blog, if he ever decides to write something here, which I suppose he'll eventually do) and he came up with some great ideas, such as japanese-style gladius duels in the Arena (that is, both opponents stare at each other for a long time while preparing to draw their short swords out and everything is decided with a single slash), and a lot of ideas for a script which could be entitled The Ides of Kagemaru, but that's another story...

Three banzai for the Republic!

Monday, 5 February 2007


This weekend I played "Pirates Vikings and Knights 2" for Half-Life 2. Although it's still in beta, it looks promising! And you don't get to see many games with ludicrous themes such as this one. The only aspect where I found it lacking was the absence of ninjas... I mean, pirates, but no ninjas?

Also, this weekend I made yet another fatal mistake. I trimmed down my beard, for a girl. The girl was nowhere to be seen. And if I hadn't trimmed down my beard for a couple of weeks more, I could have braided it (yeah, I have wanted to do that ever since I started listening to viking and folk metal). Now, there's no girl and no braids in my beard, at least for a long, long time.

The moral is: don't trim down your beard unless you've got a sure-fire way to trade that for sex or money (money being more important, because you can trade it for sex and other services and goods), unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. That piece of advice also applies to ladies who live in a world of strange fetishes and freak genetic mishaps.

Tuesday, 30 January 2007

FRIST PSOT!!! - "Buy Me a Drink" Extended

For just one dollar and fifty cents, come inside and see the midgets and other freaks of nature!

Since this is the first entry in my blog, I'd like to point out that the title I had originally intended for it was "Bukkake-dono's Castle", but since I can't remember well the Terms of Service I decided otherwise. Just in case, mind you. Because Google is a North American company, after all, and in that country movie and video-game violence are acceptable - but not sex (yeah, I know, I'm stereotyping), whereas in Germany such a degree of violence wouldn't be acceptable -indeed, many games there are verboten or heavily censored- but you can get videos of tramps pissing on each other! I live in Spain, country of freedom, where I can get all the violence and pornography I want (except for guns, but I don't need REAL violence).

Hell, I was going to talk about why I didn't choose "Bukkake-dono's Castle" and I already pulled out watersports for no reason at all! I'm digressing, so I'll get on with the original topic...

"Buy Me a Drink" - EXTENDED! (A sad, sad rant by Mr. Daniels, with text ripped off from his post in the Battlelore forums)

This is an extended version of one of my rants posted on the Battlelore forums. The topic was a "what made your day" (in a Dirty Harry sort of way) one, and what buggered me was MSSQL 2005, Visual Studio 2005, some attitudes, and...

And people using me as a shield of sorts... do I have 'SPQR' or something like that written across my chest? The only man who did it (a friend of mine who, when confronted with an obnoxious junkie, resorted to "if you don't fuck off this big guy here will break your knees") was warned about it by me and never, ever did that again. The rest are invariably women, and it's always about scrawny assholes who don't understand "fuck off" unless you say it literally. They go and say "this is my boyfriend" (this happened AGAIN last Friday), and the scrawny guy -who sometimes happens to be the guy with whom the girl was making out last weekend, or for the last two months, and I don't think those poor idiots deserve that kind of treatment- looks like he just saw a ghost or something, and says he's gotta go somewhere else. I swear that one of these days I'll say "clean your own mess" instead of playing along the routine, no matter how bad will that make me look, because I'm tired of it happening again and again.

Another classic is "buy me a drink" (with our without "would you...", etc.); this happens as often as the previous one. This one grinds my gears even more, because it is only done by girls I'm interested in when they want to make a fool out of me (has happened several times in the past, and I have fallen for it a few times). Like, hell, I think with my dick and a nice face and a pair of boobs are going to turn me into an ATM. This kind of behaviour repeated over time has finally resulted in this:

-"Don Corleone! Buy me a drink!" (And she asks with no modal verbs... I mean, with no respect!)
-"That, I cannot do."

That's the exact conversation. Except for the "Don Corleone!" bit, because that's not my name.

But other than that, no "Hello", no "How are you?", not even "Hi". What the hell of a greeting is that? One that doesn't end with a preposition? Just imagine it, you see someone for the first time in the whole night and you hear "Buy me a drink". It's fucking ludicrous, and not even in a funny way (e.g.: saying "Comrade Chairman Stalin said that you must buy me a drink!" with one of those furry russian hats on, or something as silly as that). In this day and age, where have good manners gone? One thing is asking for an intelligent -or coherent- conversation at 4 am (at that time, and even at an earlier one, there's a mental wasteland out there!), and other is asking for some damn common courtesy, but I guess not being drunk kind of helps with not treating others like assholes. I drink. More than I should. But at least I behave properly.

Which reminds me of "I was drunk and I didn't know what I was doing", which is a very stupid excuse for anything, or claiming that you are drunk beforehand so that you get carte blanche for anything. Come on, everyone gets so hammered that they can't remember what they did, but a couple of times in several years, not every fucking weekend. Only hardcore alcoholics do that, and though this is Galicia, I don't think there are so many.

To end this in a lighter note, I'll tell about a really cool idea I had last week when going out with my best friend:

"-Hey, man, wouldn't it be cool to go around naked, or with diapers only, in one of those battery-operated wheelchairs some cool cripples have? The ones you sit in, not the ones you stand up in... I think there was a midget girl in my class who had one of those, you know. Oh! And the wheelchair would have three food hoses, like Governor Phatt's bed from Monkey Island 2, and a steam hose for bathing.
-What about a water hose?
-Yeah, right! A warm water hose to spray the ladies so that their clothes will stick to their bodies... hehehe..."

Meditate about that, and may the war god of your choice give you strength!